Of all the tenets of Xavier High School, its fascination and firm commitment to education and enlightenment are most absurd. At Xavier, the teachers are supposed to teach and shine a new light on a topic, to invest energy to change the attitude of a student, thereby instilling Xaverian values. Xavier is renowned for this throughout Connecticut, as a school of superior virtues and quality, extending largely from its focus on education. Even its teachers take pride in their love of teaching. It has led to Xavier’s success, and its uniqueness in a field of bland, nonfunctional schools. But what if I were to reveal the truth, and offer a better plan to maximize profit?

But of what would this ingenious plan consist? It is simple: remove education and learning from the curriculum! No more useless mathematics, English, science, religion, history, or foreign languages to learn or memorize; No quantifying, no memorizing. Some antiquated people believe this would eliminate the entire purpose of a school; I think not. Education spoils the mind, fills it with meaningless facts. Why should one know a field if others already do? Why should one know history, to prevent history from repeating itself? Look at great politicians who, with their experience and expertise, make such wise decisions! Why should one learn physics, the practical application of abstract topics, when scientists have already discovered everything. As for geometry, why can we not be young and innocent without memorizing impractical formulas?

These are all the issues my plan can fix. It will also make the school’s environment a much more welcoming place. Students can ditch school if they prefer to, or they can conduct long naps listening to serenades with Brother Ryan. Mr. Guinan’s class will include tirades against the wrong and corrupt culture, and relaxing spiritual exercises such as those from CCD. Mr. St. George will offer lessons on why Geoffrey Chaucer is superior to William Shakespeare, while Mr. Popielaski will offer a class explaining why William Shakespeare is better than Geoffrey Chaucer. A favorite of mine will be Euclid 101 by Mr. Traceski, in which students will be inculcated with an astonishment at the wondrous nature of the beloved Euclid. Mr. Ruvolo’s addition will be Up from New York, a seminar on his life and accomplishments in the Coast Guard. With all of these classes, students will not be expected to learn anything, but formalize their sleeping schedule..

In this environment, students will flourish, cultivating their ability to wonder what a book is, in addition to acquiring vast experience on the best ways to look on their smart-phones. Discipline and a resolve for gentlemanly atmosphere will be a thing of the past, a relic to the Stone Age of respect. While those are definite pluses to my idea, what is best about this plan is that it would increase profit margins. Rather than spend money on silly books teaching ideas that have already been discovered, teachers can be rewarded for their new-found sleep with a nice bonus. With a surplus of money, beds could be constructed, further improving sleep at Xavier. Students will want to come to Xavier, and so will you!