Presidential Wipeout Adventure Course

Presidential Wipeout Adventure Course

October 26, 2020

Immediately following the second Presidential debate, Donald Trump took to Twitter to challenge Democratic candidate Joe Biden to a ‘Wipeout Adventure Course’ challenge to prove he is the more physically fit candidate. When asked about his proposal in a FOX News interview the next day, Donald said, “M...

How to Effectively Ruin A Student’s Life: A Comprehensive Guide for Teachers

How to Effectively Ruin A Student's Life: A Comprehensive Guide for Teachers

By Aidan Pesce, Assistant Reporter

October 22, 2020

Hello! My name is Aidan, and I am a junior here at Xavier High School. I figured that as an upperclassman, I should probably do my job and share some advice, so I will. However, there's a twist: I am here to help the teachers, not all of you foolish students. In my time at Xavier, I've learned an...

North Korea Wins 2020 Olympics

North Korea Wins 2020 Olympics

By Aidan Higgins, Editor-in-Chief

September 20, 2020

An exclusive report by the North United Korean Establishment of Media Enterprising (NUKEME) revealed yesterday that North Korean athletes have won every medal awarded by the National Olympic Committee in the 2020 Summer Olympics. North Korea is poised to be announced the winner of the Olympiad at tomorrow's...

How to Get up in the Morning

One of the many negative side-effects of over-sleeping.

By Aidan Higgins, Editor

May 31, 2020

If you're anything like me - well, first of all, I'm sorry everything turned out this way. Second of all, you are probably well-acquainted with the psychological turmoil involved with trying to get out of bed every morning. You may have moderate-to-severe PTSD that is triggered by the sound of Apple's...

My Life As An Instagram Influencer

Aidan Higgins, left, and Zac Effron, right

By Aidan Higgins, Editor

April 14, 2020

With the administration conducting a social media crusade to increase their online presence and capitalize off of the COVID-19 crisis by permeating the Gospel message throughout the World Wide Web, we here at the Kestrel have received an influx of cryptic letters that were taped to bricks and thrown...

Trump: A Secret Democrat?

Trump: A Secret Democrat?

By Eric Myskowski, Senior Reporter

April 3, 2019

Breaking News: A report just released this morning from Trump’s former campaign advisor Paul Manafort shows Donald Trump is a secret Democrat and was trying to help Hillary Clinton win the 2016 Election On what should have been ne of the happiest moments of his life, election night, Donald Trum...

Post-Truth Epidemic Grips Nation

Post-Truth Epidemic Grips Nation

By Alexander Pralea, Editor

February 13, 2019

According to researchers at the CDC, the apocalypse that thousands of doomsday activists have foretold has finally materialized. The Post-Truth Epidemic is finally here, distorting all notions of normalcy and destroying the thread of American society. The plague first manifested itself in its current...

How to Get Your Aspiring Five-Year-Old into Harvard:

How to Get Your Aspiring Five-Year-Old into Harvard:

By Alexander Pralea, Editor

January 21, 2019

Though people may say that you should let your child into the college decision-making process, only you, the parent, can have a say in his or her future. As you plan every second of the life of your child (in whom you live vicariously) from his or her birth, please keep these tips in mind as you ensure...

Idiopathic Schoolitis – The Truth Behind the Silent Killer

Idiopathic Schoolitis - The Truth Behind the Silent Killer

By Alexander Pralea, Editor

December 18, 2018

 As midterm exams begin to stress out the students of American high schools, some have begun to take steps to campaign for enhanced recognition of idiopathic schoolitis. I spoke with a lead campaigner (who will remain anonymous to protect his identity following a recent spar with leading teacher...

A Mystery in the World of Television

By Alexander Pralea, Editor

October 4, 2018

Turn on your TV. Flip through the channels, making sure you get to Hallmark, ABC, and Disney Channel. By then, hopefully, you will have picked up on a freaky pattern: all the teenage girls are wearing sweatshirts and short shirts. To get to the bottom of this, I spoke with the renowned (and quirky) anthropologist...

Mr. Kieda: Xavier’s Secret Fortnite Legend

Mr. Kieda: Xavier's Secret Fortnite Legend

By Kevin Galasso, Editor

March 27, 2018

Now unless you have been living under a rock for the past couple of months, you have probably heard of the game Fortnite. The game has been blowing up in popularity thanks to its easy accessibility and collection of hype and rage moments. It has also blown up at Xavier. Everywhere you walk, you hear...

Understanding Football as Someone Uninterested in Football

By Alex Pralea, Editor

February 27, 2018

Every year, as I heard Xavier's headmaster broadcast the exciting news that the school has reached the ad drive requirement, dread overcomes me. While many suspect this occurs out of a love of attending school, I can assure you that this is not the case. Rather, I dread the announcement because I know that my colleagues will vote to choose the Monday following the S...

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