How the Kestrel Fits into Mr. St. George’s Plan for Total World Domination

How the Kestrel Fits into Mr. St. George's Plan for Total World Domination

By Aidan Pesce, Assistant Reporter

You may have never suspected it, but the truth has always been there, hiding deep below the surface. They say some secrets are best left uncovered, but I disagree, especially when it concerns our school. The people need to hear the full story (again). I, Aidan Pesce, the most daring reporter of the Kestrel, am here with another article, one that will bring to light all the secrets behind the most famous newspaper in the lands, the Kestrel, even at the risk of my life…

When I joined the Kestrel my Sophomore year, I thought I was about to enter a new and fun club, one where I’d be able to write whatever I wanted to. But then I met The Council. Comprised of Bernie Sanders, Elon Musk, Kanye West, the ghost of Descartes, and Mr. St. George, The Council rules the Kestrel with an iron fist, taking no pity on us poor workers. The ruling five insist we keep to a tight schedule, writing a new article every week. Except they are so picky with what we publish that they discard nearly every idea we have. And if we go against their will, we are met with the harshest of punishments. One of my friends (you don’t know him, he’s dead now) was punished via electric chair for his article which claimed that Kanye would make a better president than ex-Council member, Hillary Clinton. Needless to say, this incident sparked a minor civil war and resulted in Bernie Sanders replacing her to become the newest member of The Council after Kanye emerged as the victor. You see, Bernie dropped out of the race when he realized there was an opening on The Council, recognizing that this was his opportunity to hold true power. But that was not the only reason he was accepted. The truth is it was part of The Council’s plan.

The Council plotted their conquest logically, with ethereal Descartes creating the original plan. He recruited Kanye, Elon Musk, Hillary, and Mr. St. George to put his plan into action. He himself would have done it, but he was bound in spiritual form and thus was unable to make a difference in our world. But these four people had no such problems. Their first order of business was to acquire funding, and so Elon was ordered to become even richer. He used his companies to make bank, except a few months before becoming the wealthiest person alive, greed began to consume him, and he decided to leave The Council. Of course, The Council could not allow this. When the controversial Kanye-Clinton article was released (it has been taken down by the authorities), Mr. St. George and Descartes (the real brains behind The Council) used it as an excuse to get rid of Hillary in favor of Bernie Sanders. This choice was not random; the two brilliant minds had hoped Sander’s love for socialism would rub off on Musk, and their plan worked. Inspired by Sander’s preaching, Musk realized his sins and returned to help The Council. With their funding secured, phase two was put into action.

Phase Two was the riskiest part of the plan. They had to play their cards very carefully, or else the whole scheme would fall apart. The Council needed to gain followers. While the members of The Council individually were supported by the world, the group needed to be accepted by the hoi polloi. And so phase two was enacted. The two scientific minds, Descartes and Musk, came up with an idea, one that involved both Mr. St. George and Kanye West: the two men would use their influence to brainwash the masses. Kanye would release new music that would hypnotize the world, and Mr. St George would use the Kestrel to trigger their brainwashed minds. With the Kestrel’s popularity increasing exponentially, the plan was bound for success. Except that meant The Council had to take over the Kestrel.

And so Mr. St. George quickly began recruiting new writers to fulfill this plan, including me. I learned of The Council and I realized I had to stop this madness. But there was a catch. When one is recruited to the Kestrel, one takes a vow that they shall not speak of the plan so long as they are involved in the Kestrel. To break this promise means grave punishment, sometimes even death. But I am desperate. The Council needs to be stopped.

Crash! They’re coming! I must be quick.

Armed with many new members, the Kestrel is busy writing articles that will trigger the mind-control Kanye’s songs have induced on us. They force us to write hundreds and hundreds of articles, but they discard or censor any that hint at the existence of The Council, even if it is unintentional. And if our writing displeases our masters, we are brutally punished. A fellow prisoner, Andrei Abarientos, told me that he hopes The Council will be stopped. “They’re so mean,” he sobbed after a particularly brutal beating. “I try my best to do what they want, but they still punish me. Their tyranny must come to an end.” Similarly, Robert Mullins, another slave, confided in me that he believes the red pens Mr. St. George loves so much have addled his mind and made him believe The Council’s actions are noble. “All that red must have gone to his head,” he whispered. “Whenever he edits one of my articles, it is always in red ink. He uses so much that the Kestrel should be called the Cult of the Red Pen. And I think he’s so obsessed with it because the color reminds him of blood.” Another former reporter, who is now “online” and will remain unnamed, confessed that he tried to escape the Kestrel, but The Council forced him to drink from Xavier’s sacred pool, turning him into a lizard-person. And to make matters worse, despite Bernie’s claim that he would give everyone universal health care, he refused to pay for this poor soul’s hospital bills! The list of grievances goes on and on.

Now you can see why The Council needs to be stopped. If they aren’t, the whole world will fall into subjugation to the five men. Even worse, I fear that if they are not stopped, The Council will use the restorative waters of Xavier’s pool to bring Descartes back to life. This cannot happen. We must prevent The Council’s plan from reaching completion. Otherwise, The Council, led by a resurrected Descartes, will have successfully – Bamn!

Unfortunately, the rest of this article was left unfinished. Aidan suffered an “accident” and he tragically passed away several days ago. However, what Aidan had written was recovered by a group of Kestrel writers who mutinied against The Council after Aidan’s death, and they published Aidan’s work, sparking a rebellion. The Free Writers of the Kestrel, as they proclaimed themselves, rescued Aidan’s body and fled from Xavier, taking refuge with ex-Council member, Hillary Clinton. Clinton, in part, has reached out to her allies, and the Free Writers of the Kestrel have sworn to avenge Pesce and to resurrect him in the magical waters of Xavier’s pool. Will Aidan’s brave actions have saved the world from The Council, or was he too late? Only time will tell…