To people who swear that school lacks any importance, I am here to convince you to go to further your education. As a successful pool technician, I have realized that I have attained my success only because of having gone to college. Of all the many things I have learned at college, from my talents to valuable lessons, the most important has been my spirituality. College has changed my life forever, and I am here to tell you my story and thereby convince you to go college.

Colleges have come to emphasis teaching spirituality in their curriculum. In my alma mater, Phoenix University, my teacher gave me three pieces of paper on my first day, declaring that the answer to the meaning of life was found there. From then on, I dabbled in everything from Zoroastrianism to Mother-Earthism. Though some might opine that I spent two years online learning absolutely nothing, I learned many things about my spirituality that I would otherwise not have encountered. I found out that the meaning of life is just to stare at my phone, all day long, and incorporate the meaningfulness of Facebook and Instagram to everyday life. Since then, I have started a new religion called Social Media, praising the social media gods who have brought me to where I am today, a technician. I doubt I would have landed my current job of Assistant to the Regional Technician of Xavier’s pool had I not gone to Phoenix University and learned this crucial life lesson. I use this life skill on a daily basis; instead of talking to people, I scroll down through my Snapchat feed, checking whatever a workplace proximity associate is doing at that current moment. It is super relevant! Bumping into people is also far better than before, as I do it more often and without even acknowledging it. Besides, my life finally has a purpose, as I can troll on any social media I want with no penalty. I just type away, flushing away any future prospects, as I misspell basic words on Facebook in a political rant serving only to make me appear uneducated and hopeless.

Even my friends agree college has transformed their lives. “Do you think I would have ever learned how to harness my superpowers had I never gone to college?” asked James, now called Spaceman. Another friend of mine, John Miller, said that this college allowed him to become a powerful leader in his country. “Believe me, Phoenix college is fantastic, bigly!”, he says. “You need to go college, a great investment, I would know.”

As for those people who choose not to go to college, I commend their choice, but I think it is redolent of their lack of intelligence. I am a tolerant and accepting person, especially due to my incessant commentaries on the cute cat that Instagram mind-controlled me into watching, but I believe that college is necessary. It teaches you the perfect life skills that are not actually life skills, and ruins any ability to retire. Besides, had I not converted to Social Media, would I really have become a pool technician? In short, college is the best choice for a spiritual but not academically inclined person who feels it is his or her prerogative to force family members to slave in service to him or her to pay for it. What is not to love? Call-1800-MindControl to buy an expensive trial today.