Every year, as I heard Xavier’s headmaster broadcast the exciting news that the school has reached the ad drive requirement, dread overcomes me. While many suspect this occurs out of a love of attending school, I can assure you that this is not the case. Rather, I dread the announcement because I know that my colleagues will vote to choose the Monday following the Superbowl, an inopportune date for those not interested in football who prefer to relax on a more convenient day.

As a person who enjoys the British version of football (soccer) much more than the American, duller version, convincing myself to learn more about the sport was quite a tedious feat, entailing dedication and energy. To remedy this, I decided to interview my fellow colleagues to gauge their interest in a sport that had enraptured them enough to make them skip school, which they never like to do. My canvass soon revealed to be a disappointment, as all everyone wanted to discuss was Tom Brady. Some professed an undying love for his team, the Patriots, by the simple words of “Tom Brady? Yeah, he’s pretty cool”, while others scorned him, crying out “Deflategate!”. Even others rattled off random statistics about his “passing” and “rushing” scores, as well as his “sacks” and “fumbles”. What was this madness, I thought, why were so many football fanatics addicted to Tom Brady?

I decided to investigate the typical football fan, embodied by Jack McLeery, to understand why Tom Brady was “so awesome”, as he put it. Jack told me about his early life, how his father had first introduced him to football. “When I was five, my Paps first told me about football, which soon became my religion. At the time, my god went by the name of John Hannah, and he was a mighty fine player!”.  At that moment I realized that this man’s childhood was to blame for his current addiction: as a child, he had grown up with an idol, who had transformed but always remained constant. I knew I needed to follow up on my questions to further understand him. “So as for your team of choice, has it always remained the same?” I inquired. He responded with a nod: “Yes, I’ve always been a loyal fan of the Patriots. I’ve never, ever lost faith, and I’ll always protect my team.” Upon hearing this, I realized that I was left with at least a basic understanding of the sport’s most loyal fans.

While I have not become a fan of football, I have come to terms with the fact that many of my peers are indeed fans of the old pigskin. In fact, they are no different than any non-footballer, with heroes and idols who just happen to play football. Though they may have different interests, they still find football to be an opportunity to heckle and complain at various players and settle down with their family and spend quality time.

*Note: this satire is based off of false stereotypes and is solely intended to amuse, not to offend