With the administration conducting a social media crusade to increase their online presence and capitalize off of the COVID-19 crisis by permeating the Gospel message throughout the World Wide Web, we here at the Kestrel have received an influx of cryptic letters that were taped to bricks and thrown through the front window of the office that we definitely have because we are a real news company. Each of these messages, which we bullied our local nerd into decoding, contained cries from you, our loyal readers and my closest and only friends, for the Kestrel to plunge itself into the murky waters of the mainstream internet and conduct a social media crusade of our own. Today I proudly declare that your cries have not fallen on deaf ears, for one brave man among the Kestrel’s editorial staff has risen up among his peers and answered your calls without fear, proudly embracing all the woes that accompany Instagram stardom. That man, precious readers, is Aidan Higgins. Some call him a hero, others call him a savior, and others still call him mean names that I have too much dignity to put in print. The Kestrel was fortunate enough to sit down with Aidan and talk about life, love, fame, and everything in between. Here is what he had to say.

Q: Welcome to our studio, Aidan, and thank you for sitting down with us today. You were surprisingly difficult to contact.

A: What can I say? Mo’ money, mo’ problems.

Q: Can you tell us a little about your experience as the man behind @xavierkestrelnews? Have you found your sudden rise to fame taxing, or is it all just mansions and foreign cars like you show online?

A: I mean…yeah, of course, insane fame and wealth have downsides. Is it annoying that all these celebrities and supermodels keep asking me out? Yes, you would think Margot Robbie would get the point after I rejected her 15 times, but she just can’t seem to take a hint. Every day people come up to me and ask me for autographs and pictures, which was fun at first, but sometimes a guy just wants to eat his lunch in peace, you know? I’m afraid that people love me for the idealized version of me that they’ve created based on what they see on the screen and not for who I really am. I don’t think any of my followers, all 13 of them, really know me.

Q: So who is the “real you?”

A: I’m just an Instagram influencer.

Q: What is it like commanding a small army of 13 followers?

A: I feel incredibly powerful. I get a rush knowing that I could easily mobilize an equivalent of the entire combined U.S. armed forces. I won’t lie, I have strongly considered launching a siege on Canada and claiming it as my own, but Drake and I go way back and I wouldn’t do that kind of thing to a homie.

— At this point, we were notified via anonymous text from the shady top brass of the Kestrel that Aidan had lost control of @xavierkestrelnews and that the account has been passed into more responsible hands due to Aidan’s mismanagement of company funds. Aidan is currently recovering from the shock of this loss; he did not expect that using the Kestrel’s credit card to buy 30 tons of toilet paper for quarantine would be considered irresponsible. We will be providing live updates on the possible lawsuit that Aidan will file to reclaim his account.