An exclusive report by the North United Korean Establishment of Media Enterprising (NUKEME) revealed yesterday that North Korean athletes have won every medal awarded by the National Olympic Committee in the 2020 Summer Olympics. North Korea is poised to be announced the winner of the Olympiad at tomorrow’s conclusion ceremony.

The highlight of the tournament was Choe Ryong-hae’s shocking victory over American favorite Pat Downey in the Greco-Roman Style Wrestling finals for the 130kg weight class. Ryong-hae, who represented North Korea, attributed his performance primarily to the conditioning he gained growing up on one of North Korea’s numerous farms – which definitely exist – and to the rich diet provided by his nation’s buoyant agriculture industry. Ryong-hae’s robust health proved vital in his match-up against Downey, in which his ability to maintain his strength and speed through overtime helped secure a favorable outcome over his dietarily inferior opponent, who subscribed to a strict diet of hamburgers, steroids, and the souls of innocent orphans (all American staples). It turns out that the capitalist American swine cannot overcome North Korea’s intrinsic athletic superiority.

One of the chief concerns going into the tournament was the spread of the COVID-19, particularly to athletes. While the National Olympic Committee did limit crowd sizes and implement contact-tracing systems, it could not prevent 19 participants from contracting the virus. This proved an impediment to various other countries, but not to North Korea, as the country’s main ethnic group has evolved to be immune to most infectious diseases. As glorious leader Kim Jong-Un said, “a global pandemic cannot stop a united people.”