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Teachers Hate The New Year

By Laurenz Mosquito, Reporter

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Frustration is a common sight in the classrooms of Xavier High School, especially after Christmas break. After two weeks of nothing but forsaken curfews, late-night partying, and unapologetic laziness, returning students are expected to quickly re-embrace their demanding and time consuming classes. But, it’s not the students who become frustrated when met with such responsibility, rather, their teachers.

“I detest this time of year,” says one faculty member. “After the New Year’s festivities, students are more prone to pay attention in class because they find the lure of starting off the year with good marks too enticing.”

Throughout the weeks of January, several teachers have already reported having to confiscate their students’ computers, expressing disdain and general disappointment at what they caught their students doing—or not doing.

“As I went through the rows of my first period class, I saw one student furiously copying down the notes on the whiteboard onto their computer,” said a disappointed teacher. “I was hoping I could get through lunch before I had to give out a detention,” she said.

Good students spend their time trying to get the 2048 tile.

Known as New Year’s Resolutions, thousands of individuals make promises to change their way of life for—as they call it—the better. Some common student New Year’s Resolutions, for instance, include paying less attention in class and studying at the last minute. They don’t want to keep repeating the same mistakes that they made last year, like studying ahead of time or closely following classroom discussions.

Unfortunately, many are unable to follow through with their defiant and irresponsible attitudes. Before long, they have reverted back to their proactive, responsible way of life before the hiatus.

“Fortunately, most of my students were on Amazon, looking at shoes or buying a new pair of headphones,” the teacher continued, her voice relieved. “A majority of them were never proactive in the first place, and it relieves me to see that they haven’t changed.”

“One student near the back of the room was copying down his friend’s homework that I assigned over vacation,” she said. “When I saw this, I immediately went through both of their papers and gave them one hundreds.”

“It’s not every day you see such teamwork,” a teacher from the science department said upon hearing that particular story. “Kids these days don’t have moral compasses like that anymore.”

When asked why so many students fail to succeed in their goals of failing a class, a teacher from the social studies department said, “The concept of New Year’s Resolutions is largely misunderstood like the Crusades. Many people make resolutions without a proper plan, misunderstanding the concept as making grand promises and expecting to get there with just that: a grand promise. It’s awful because these people repeat this same mistake every year and get discouraged because it always ends disastrously.”

The Deans of Students are the individuals who are most exposed to this phenomenon, seeing upwards to fifty students a week in the first months of the new year, forced to take disciplinary action on students caught using note-taking applications such as Evernote. In most cases, the deans were able to resolve the issue with the following tips to students:

  1. Block productivity apps, such as OneNote or Word
  2. Play music through your speakers when the teacher is talking to drown them out
  3. Always have at least Solitaire, 2048 or Tetris running in the background so you don’t forget why you’re in school
  4. Bookmark websites such as ESPN or YouTube and unpin sites like NetClassroom or Canvas on your web browser to decrease the likelihood of checking grades or upcoming assignments
  5. If the teacher is being especially interesting, ask to go to the bathroom and don’t return to class until the period ends

The Deans advise using the above as a general plan to keep your New Year’s Resolution of irresponsibility intact. Inform ignorant friends who you find consistently reverting back to their old, school-conscious ways, and help teachers with their frustration by following the above tips. Good luck!

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Teachers Hate The New Year