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Brothers In Turmoil as Railroad Club Takes over Basement Swimming Pool

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Brothers In Turmoil as Railroad Club Takes over Basement Swimming Pool

By Laurenz Mosquito, Senior Reporter

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Railroad club, headed by Freshman Civics teacher Brother Thomas Ryan, C.F.X., unexpectedly announced last Tuesday the acquisition of Xavier’s basement swimming pool, which had previously belonged to the school’s brothers. As part of the acquisition, Brother Ryan announced that only members of the railroad club could use the establishment, causing immediate backlash from his congregational colleagues, none of whom are part of railroad club. I spoke with several of these distraught brothers, all in varying stages of grief, to learn more about their hardship.

“I can’t believe this happened,” said one brother. “How could God let such a terrible thing come to pass? Couldn’t he step in and stop it?” Several reports from the guidance office suggest that a good number of brothers are still in denial over the acquisition.

“When I saw it on TV, I felt dazed,” said another brother. “I immediately took out my rosary and began praying the Sorrowful Mysteries, for this is a time of great sorrow indeed.”

“How am I supposed to water my plants if I no longer have access to pool water?” said one particularly distraught brother. “My salsa no longer tastes the same without it.”

The basement swimming pool has been a trademark of the Xaverian brothers since the school’s inception over fifty years ago, and had just finished a major renovation in 2015. Brother Ryan’s decision to acquire the basement swimming pool was largely unexpected and has been described as “treasonous” by the other brothers.

Some brothers are taking action over the acquisition, organizing protests in a desperate effort to gain the administration’s attention and revert the decision. The latest in these protests was a sit-in at the cafeteria, which occurred last Friday morning. Unfortunately, not enough brothers were present to make an effective sit-in, and some gladly gave up their seats to students who had nowhere else to sit.

Artist’s conception of swimming pool.

Other brothers have been reported to be severely depressed, shutting themselves away in their rooms in the Brother’s Residence. One won’t even leave his bed, saying it reminds him of the flowing waters of the swimming pool.

In asking about how the brothers have treated Brother Ryan, one brother responded, “We have barred him from all entrances to the Brother’s Residence, though somehow he always manages to enter our holy place. As a result, we’ve resorted to more extreme measures: we’ve stopped giving him food.”

Brother Ryan has been reported to become quite irritable if he has not properly eaten. Several freshman throughout this year alone, particularly those who have Brother right after his lunch break, have attested to increased shouting and use of expletives if he had a not-so-filling meal.

When pressed for further information on this development, the brother elaborated, saying, “We cut him in the lunch line and by the time he gets his food, there is nothing left for him but yesterday’s fries. He gets really angry at that, and I find a certain satisfaction in his reaction, as he is able to understand our own fury at the loss of our swimming pool.”

Despite this hostility from the brothers, Brother Ryan has continued to persevere and remain composed in all his dealings concerning the acquisition. “I understand [the other brother’s] feelings, but I firmly believe that this acquisition will lead to a prosperous age for the railroad club.”

Brother Ryan has continuously run railroad club for over fifteen years, and, with its most recent acquisition, is looking forward to an increase in member attendance and sign-ups. Railroad club meets in the basement and welcomes train enthusiasts of all ages and vocations.

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Brothers In Turmoil as Railroad Club Takes over Basement Swimming Pool