How the Paleolithic Diet Can Change Your Life Forever

By Alexander Pralea, Editor

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           As the school year progresses, students feel pressured to indulge themselves in the unhealthy cafeteria food rampant with grease and fat. This pressure evinces itself in the evidence. Eating foods high in calories and low in nutrition, many Xavier students have ballooned in size during their tenure at Xavier. This fundamental issue, however, has a very simple solution: revolutionizing Xavier’s meal plans by focusing on a gluten-free Paleolithic diet.

            Looking at the school offerings, one can see that they are rife with fat albeit full of taste. To fix this, I recommend switching to a gluten-free paleo menu, and I am here to debunk some of the fallacious rumors surrounding it. As for the diet, what is it? The Paleolithic diet consists of just meats and fruits, devoid of grains or other foods originating in agriculture. In the opinions of contrarians, the Paleo diet is just a fad, with no relevance. They believe people should disregard it due to the lack of any clinical evidence whatsoever supporting it. However, I beg to differ; when has science ever provided answers? During the epochs during which the Paleolithic diet was most prevalent, humans lived long lives up to the ripe old age of mid-twenties. What a wonderful life they lived without carcinogens! In addition to this concern about a lack of proof, another criticism of the paleo diet includes that it costs far too much to ever be feasible. Despite this, many people, in my opinion, would be fine paying twenty dollars for lunch if it could ensure their future well-being, as people are always reasonable.

            Even looking back, one can see the agricultural revolutions were detrimental to the development of humans. Sure, the human population has only increased by immense proportions due to farming, but so what? Should we follow age-old advice just because it works? Besides, the world did expand tens of thousands of years ago with the advent in agriculture, but it was only because they had just figured out the cure to coreopsis.

            In terms of taste, the gluten-free Paleo diet is scrumptious! It tastes so delicious in its lack of anything tasty that I sometimes mistake it for sand, but according to a Reddit post this benefits the body since the cavemen did it. I feel this caveman lifestyle has allowed me to encounter my inner spirits. I hear these demons calling me every time I pass out in class whenever I cannot bear it any longer. One might believe this to be awful, but it is far from it. I have really found peace in living in accord with nature yet contrary to its developments. Lacking energy and a will to wake up is simply part of the never-ending spiritual yet not religious process that will eventually bring salvation for a day. Without my paleo-diet, I would never have begun yoga, fasting, and other fad diets that really keep me healthy, as demonstrated by my constant fainting and nausea.

            So to anyone who doubts the success of the paleo diet, look at my life. I may have almost dropped out of high school and have fainted twice per day every since I started this diet, but I feel as if I am really in line with my zen and other Buddhist stuff that I pretend to know about so I can sound pretentious to my friends. This diet has changed my life, and I know it will do the same for yours because of nonexistent reasons that I currently lack but will never research. Spots are filling quickly due to my twenty fake accounts, so if you think science is for nerds, have money to waste, and are pompous and hypocritical, order now and visit my affiliate at

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