A Mystery in the World of Television

By Alexander Pralea, Editor

Turn on your TV. Flip through the channels, making sure you get to Hallmark, ABC, and Disney Channel. By then, hopefully, you will have picked up on a freaky pattern: all the teenage girls are wearing sweatshirts and short shirts.

To get to the bottom of this, I spoke with the renowned (and quirky) anthropologist, Dr. Mensch, who has been studying this perplexing phenomenon for many years.

“We have noted your observations,” he told me. “Most of these girls choose to wear sweatshirts (usually affiliated with a certain university that they have no hope of getting into) and short shorts, which are usually of the brand Nike or Lulu Lemon. We suspect that it is a prime example of what we in the socio-anthropological community have coined “lazy athletics”: wearing athletic clothes to be comfortable while binge watching (or “racing to the finish line of”) a Netflix series as fast as possible. Still, this leaves some questions unanswered: how can teenage girls in these dramas wear the same thing, regardless of temperature?”

Dr. Mensch brought me to his laboratory, where he was working with climate expert Dr. Tyfooni to reach a conclusion on this pressing issue.

“This really is a life-or-death issue,” said Dr. Tyfooni, echoing what Dr. Mensch had told me. “This study has multiple applications on teenage girls trying to survive when it is ‘uh, like, so cold but also, uh, like, so warm’.”

Dr. Tyfooni showed the results of his studies. Carefully analyzed had been thousands of various drama shows, all from the aforementioned channels. In every one of them, the temperature undergoes extreme changes, yet the girls are left still wearing their traditional attire.

The analyses of his studies, which are to be published in leading social science journals, demonstrate something shocking. “We have concluded that these girls lack any remanence of humanity, but are cold, stoical robots stuck to their i-devices who gossip about how nasty Lucy gained weight and could be pregnant.”

Dr. Mensch chipped in to the debate as well. “We believe that the use of these robots is a sign of the mass indoctrination of teenage students by multimedia companies like Disney, Warner Bros., and more. These companies are trying to eliminate our reasoning skills by making us dead zombies reliant on technology. Will we let them?” With hard facts, he proved that a seemingly meaningless action – wearing sweatshirts and short pants – is really a sign that humanity is now enslaved to these few companies that control everyone’s free will.