Idiopathic Schoolitis – The Truth Behind the Silent Killer

How many more students have to be afflicted before teachers start taking action?

Idiopathic Schoolitis - The Truth Behind the Silent Killer

By Alexander Pralea, Editor

 As midterm exams begin to stress out the students of American high schools, some have begun to take steps to campaign for enhanced recognition of idiopathic schoolitis.

I spoke with a lead campaigner (who will remain anonymous to protect his identity following a recent spar with leading teacher unions) to learn more about this growing movement.

“In America, we tend to box ourselves within confining labels. Americans for the Recognition of Idiopathic Schoolitis (ARIS) seeks to raise awareness that action must be taken to address the misnamed “senioritis,” a malicious disease that affects every student come wintertime – not just seniors.

Studies suggest his assertations. Students, during the winter season, display a wide range of symptoms, from decreased motivation, fatigue, depression, and general annoyance. Though the risk factors are unknown, statisticians have correlated the infirmity (colloquially referred to as the “I just can’t even any more” attitude) to higher levels of work and obligation during Christmastide.

“What we’re seeing here,” said head researcher Professor Jameson Watt, “is the effect of, in a sense, a 30 hour work week compounded by chores, bratty younger siblings, frustrating parents who ramble on and on about college, and a lack of good quality water fountains (is it really impossible for an entire school to have lukewarm water during the freezing winter?). Students bear higher stress levels on account of all these factors, and it’s our job as adults to help remedy this conundrum.”

Watt recommends that schools cut hours during the winter to 0 hours a week so that students have time to recover.

“Rest really is of the essence. When students can’t sleep until 2PM every day and drink sizzling Starbucks Caramel Macchiatos, they do worse on standardized tests and other measurements of academic achievement.”

Watt does admit, however, that students can change their lifestyles to better adjust to life on less than 6 hours of sleep and low sunlight levels.

“If students slowly become undead (as America’s failure of an education system makes them), then they can overcome tiredness and emotional drain, as they will no longer possess emotions. Perhaps this is the best solution to idiopathic schoolitis: implanting every high school student with a desensitizing drug that further eradicates any hope to pass an upcoming test. Students will find themselves more relaxed as they just stop caring.”

This move has generated fierce concern from pro-life organizations, who counter that this approach of euthanizing otherwise healthy brain-dead teens with no desire to live offends the sanctity of life and risks a slippery slope that will lead to the euthanizing of older siblings for leaching off their parents by constantly making frivolous purchases of Supreme merchandise.

Whatever one’s position on idiopathic schoolitis, one fact is clear: the status quo must change.