Ah yes, the all-too-common question of this current school year, posed to students and teachers alike: “Do you like virtual school or in-person school better?” I have heard much discussion regarding this topic, and have given it some thought myself. Now I am here to end the debate once and for all by explaining why virtual school is simply better than in-person school.

I know that many of you reading this will disagree with my claim, and given that I was once on your side, I understand where you are coming from. However, after discovering these secrets to online learning, my life was forever changed. Here are a few of the most compelling reasons to like virtual school more than in-person school.

1. You can use your foot bath during the entire school day.

Ever have one of those days when your feet just do not want to stop aching? I know I have, especially since water jousting season has picked up. That all changed when I realized that I could relax during school with my own personal foot bath under my desk.

2. Turn your camera off, and suddenly you can practice the bagpipes in peace.

Have you ever wondered what people are doing in class when their cameras are off? The answer, obviously, is bagpipes practice. During the last year, many of us have picked up new hobbies and activities to take up our time. I have heard many new pipers talk excitedly about virtual school as a great opportunity to get some extra practice in.

3. In the breaks between classes, you have plenty of time to meditate on the wondrous achievements of Horace Mann.

Ah yes, Horace Mann. The 19th century politician and educational reformer whom we all admire dearly for his most notable contribution to the modern educational system: homework. For some bizarre reason, there is not even a single measly picture of Mann in the whole building at Xavier. But luckily for you, virtual school means that you can meditate on his beloved contribution to your well-being at home before your own personal Horace Mann shrine!

4. You no longer have to worry about walking.

We all know that we tire of walking all the way from room 204 to SJ3. The good news is, with virtual school, all your classes come to you. If by 12:40 your, *ahem*, posterior is uncomfortable and your legs feels like they have atrophied, you know you are doing it right. Until the administration finally caves and allows students to use hover boards, virtual school is our best option to avoid excess movement.

5. You can wear your pajama onesie on your lower half and no one will know.

Over the years I have heard many Xavier students complaining about the school’s strict dress code. Now, many people would tell you that they would rather wear a t-shirt with sweatpants or jeans, but those people are lying to your face. The truth is that every Xavier student secretly wishes he could wear his footie pajama onesie to school. Well, I am here to tell you that now you can! With virtual school, no one can see your lower half, so just wear your onesie below your waist during school and bring it all the way up as soon as school ends.

Well, there you go: the most compelling reasons I have found to like virtual school more than in-person school. If you are still not convinced, then you are just lying to yourself.

So the next time someone asks you which you like better, you now have several significant pieces of evidence to support your claim if they ignorantly scoff at you.