How to Effectively Ruin A Student’s Life: A Comprehensive Guide for Teachers


By Aidan Pesce, Assistant Reporter

Hello! My name is Aidan, and I am a junior here at Xavier High School. I figured that as an upperclassman, I should probably do my job and share some advice, so I will. However, there’s a twist: I am here to help the teachers, not all of you foolish students.

In my time at Xavier, I’ve learned an abundance of information. I’ve learned physics, chemistry, civics, Spanish, religion, engineering, and much, much more. If only all of that was useful. What I’ve also learned a lot about what it takes to improve ruin a student’s life, which is by far the most important information one can learn. Now, where did I get this world-changing knowledge? Well, I won’t mention the mad dash from the temple guardians or being tortured by the Russians, but I can certainly tell you that my knowledge comes from a very reliable source. So, instead of the teachers teaching me, it is time to teach the teachers.

One of the first topics I would like to cover is extracurriculars. Extracurriculars are absolutely amazing for students. They provide breaks from school, allowing them to participate in the activities they love such as sports, art, drama, engineering, and more. But this is a problem. Students should not be allowed to have fun. School is their lives, and since they are alive, school does not end until they do, so there is no reason for them to have this “fun” that they keep talking about. However, I propose a solution: ban all extracurriculars! Without these breaks, students will be forced to constantly confront their depression and boredom (no, don’t be stupid; school definitely does not cause this). Unfortunately, I am having a hard time getting the signatures needed for Xavier to stop these activities, so I must activate my backup plan (I think this one has real merit):

Drown them in homework! No, not literally. As much fun as it would be to watch them struggle to stay afloat in the sea of assignments given to them, I’m pretty sure that counts as murder or manslaughter, so it’s best to stay away from that (at least for now). What I mean is give them so much homework that they cannot possibly find the time to participate in extracurriculars. Give them problem after problem, essay after essay. Do not let up until their spirits have been thoroughly crushed. My goal is that homework envelops their lives, imprisoning these disgusting children until summer comes and takes them from our hands. I remember as a freshman I would get around an hour or two of homework a night, but that is nothing. That is like going to the gym and doing a push-up before you turn around and go home. It’s just embarrassing, both to the student and to the teacher (really, you should be ashamed of yourself). You should be forcing those despicable creatures to do hours of work a night. Make them work so hard that it is no longer homework, but rather schoolwork since school will never end for them. You should consider yourself a failure if you allow them to sleep for longer than an hour a night. However, I understand that it’s a pain to do all that grading, so that brings me to another way you can prepare torture your students: Make them study!

We all love having impossible tests, so make your tests so difficult that they must study for eons only so that they can get a measly 30 on them. You can add topics and problems they have not yet covered to your tests, making them realize they did not just fail, but that they should have studied the whole textbook instead of the hundred pages you assigned them to read. Let them languish in their seats as they realize how impossible their task is. Delight in their pain. Delight in their pathetic GPAs. Delight in their tears as they realize all hopes of achieving the Brother Celestine award, high honors, and even honors has just been lost to them. To further their pain, collaborate with your coworkers to ensure that they all have exams on the same day. Instead of just fearing your test, they will fear all of the tests! They may ask you to move your test, but do not budge. It should be your proudest day when you finish grading the tests only to find that nobody has passed, and when they complain about all the tests they had to study for and how the test did not reflect what they learned, do nothing. Or, if you wish to mock them, curve their test by only a point just to irritate them. They may say the curve is insufficient, but you can just cast their complaints aside like the trash it is. You should bask in the glory of being an evil tyrant. What’s better than a dictator? Absolutely nothing! This leads me to my next point:

Make school as boring as possible. Our school has a wonderful policy of JUG, the feared punishment that leaves you sitting in your chair for an hour, wondering how badly you messed up to deserve being sentenced to JUG. I find it extremely satisfying to watch the wrongdoers languish in their boredom (Note to self: stop staring through the window at the kids in JUG). However, JUG is only the tip of the iceberg. Imagine not just an hour of sitting there in absolute silence, but a full day! You should give them notes and classwork, but you must also forbid them from talking. If they utter a single peep, even if there is a fire, you should silence them before sentencing them to the dungeons for a thousand years. If they have the audacity to try again, bring out the electric chair. If they cough or sneeze, break out the whip. A hundred lashes will help build character and discipline. If they have the nerve to raise their hand and ask a question, you must break out the guillotine (no, capital punishment is not excessive for this “minor” infraction). However, I understand that the silence can cause you boredom as well, so I have another proposition, this one especially well suited to all of you narcissists out there:

Lecture all class long without any breaks. The only thing better than absolute silence is the sound of your own voice. Therefore, you should never pause your lectures. Speak until your voice is hoarse and your throat dry, and when that happens, consume the tears of your students to help ease the pain. Let your voice be their music of hell, a never-ending choir that perfects their unhappiness. Even better is when you have third period: it allows for eternity to feel even longer! (Connection: you must remember that the notes you have on the board should not be related to what will be on the test, but rather the things you say only once are what appears.) They may try to revolt, but you must be strong. You must be absolute in your ruling.

You need discipline. Make the students tremble in fear of solecisms and minor infractions. Make their blood run cold as they realize that their top button is undone or their shirt untucked. Have them weep in sadness as they realize they must stay after because they forgot to bring materials to class. Enforce a mandatory silence that would make Carthusian monks proud. And, if they dare speak, cast them into the 10th Circle of Hell, the deepest and most foul pit in Hell reserved only for the most unruly students so that they may be properly punished. Rule by fear, punishing when necessary, and that fear shall make them obey you.

Well, I hope I have provided you with an effective guide on how to ruin a student’s life. Just in recap, we covered how teachers should do their best to eliminate extracurriculars, overwhelm students with studying and homework, savage their mental health by giving them impossible tasks, make your class as boring as possible, whether it is by enforcing silence or by constantly lecturing until their heads are filled with useless information, and lastly, ensure that they are properly punished and disciplined. Hopefully, all of you readers adopt these policies, improving your ability to ruin a student’s life. Once again, as a result of my extensive research, I have created this comprehensive guide for teachers on how to ruin a student’s life. I wish you luck.