*WARNING! This article totally contains 100% real events that Xavier doesn’t tell you about. We don’t know why it is on Onion X! * 

After being attacked by a certain Maverick who likes his cheese drippy *tuco get out sound plays*, I found myself in a bad predicament, a maximum-security prison. This prison is called “The Falcon’s cage”, and it’s said to be worse than Prime Alcatraz. I’m logging my days on here before they see this.  Please, keep this safe if you find this. 

Day 1 

I woke up to see myself being given an orange prison jumpsuit by an officer in my cell. I observed my area; I am prisoner W-6942 in the West Block of the prison. Each block of the prison is a different color, south is blue, east is green, and north is grey. I thought I had a cell mate, but it looks like I didn’t. It was 12:30PM so I went to the cafeteria. The food was actually nice; it was a chicken sandwich, fries, and some orange juice.  The problem is that I have to pay in poker chips, which is the currency of this underground city, and each prisoner is only given 100. 

Luckily, someone gave me half of his sandwich and his fries. That person was Nick Faraci, one of my friends who got dragged into this mess. He also told me that he is my cellmate so therefore, I’m actually not so lonely. We ate and went to the yard. The yard had a basketball court and a gym. So, this brings me to the question “Why should I escape if I have this?” The answer: Gang wars (and also the plot). You’re part of 2 gangs: The Socialist Group of Yung Blood (Yung Bloods for short) or The Crippled. These 2 hated each other, each vowing to be superior to the other. When me and Nick tried to do a 1v1 in Basketball, some Yung Bloods came up to us wanting to fight, we tried to peace talk them, but that was no use. Pushing comes to shoving, and I think you know what happens next. 

*Below is after the brawl* 

Me and Nick are now considered part of the Crippled and must pay 50 poker chips each. There’s a second option, however… Work in the mines for 5 hours each (which gives us 20 poker chips each since the wage is 2/hour). We went with that option just to be funny. 

We went to our cell and found out that JP Costello and Calen Abbott were also in the West Block and heard about the brawl. I thought of making my own gang, but it doesn’t sound like a good idea. We figured that it’s better if we stay neutral, as it gives us a much better advantage of actually escaping. We went to our cells, knowing what the mission was. 

Then came the night, and my first day in prison. My current mission: To Escape. 

Day 2 

I couldn’t sleep. 

Nick and I had started working in the mines after getting some much-needed breakfast, since the dinner yesterday was disgusting. 5 hours later, we counted all of our poker chips, totaling 420 poker chips (220 from me and Nick, 200 from JP and Calen). We needed to find some other way that we could make money. JP and Calen thought of doing other jobs, but Nick wanted to do something in the black market. After some time, we decided to use both options because we figured that they could work. 

Not too long later, I found Jonas Healey getting kicked into a cell. I immediately told him of our plan so far. Little did the guards know, Jonas smuggled यादृच्छिक–टेक्–समूहः यस्मिन् भिन्नभाषायां एतत् पाठं गोपनं समावेशितम् अस्ति. I got bored (and when I’m bored, I do great things), so I took a look at the tech that he smuggled. This includes but not limited to; телефони, компютърни части, уокмени, преводачи, камери, монитори, електрически пиана и др. This process went well, and by dinner time we had made 625 poker chips. Tonight’s dinner wasn’t bad, just some rice and sausage. As an Asian, the rice was a little bit dry and therefore undercooked. Then something hit my mind, the fact that I’m the CEO of Temu, Shein, AliExpress, Nissin, and Nongshim at the same time, and Jonas knows a bunch of moving companies. Theoretically, I can just smuggle food so not only can my group have food that’s not disgusting, but we can make instant money. 

I went to bed hoping to sleep, still thinking about escaping. BAM BAM! Oh no! They’re doing cell checks.

Day 3 

Unfortunately, I still couldn’t sleep. The reason being all the loud noise the Yung Bloods make when trying to escape.  I randomly encountered P. Ully (Ulysses Parent known to those who aren’t that close to him) who wanted to buy some of our smuggled instant noodles that we put on the black market. He *allegedly* leaked some articles that Sean O’Sullivan wrote that contained very sensitive topics (despite the evidence clearly stated that he didn’t). They locked him up anyways, because he was a freshman. (Thanks a lot, Sean)

We had started building a PC so we could keep track of sales and stocks. However, when the guards found out and they broke it. One of the guards even took half of our food supply (what a hog)! I thought that we needed a defense system, but we didn’t know how. The answer: smuggling. 

We sneakily went on our phones to Temu to search for a barrier. We were able to find a laser-powered barrier for $5.99 (due to a 50% discount). So, we bought it with our गुप्त क्रेडिट कार्ड जोना ने तस्करी की and just a few hours later it arrived. We later built it with Kenzo Miyamoto who is an expert engineer and the long-lost cousin of the son of Shigeru Miyamoto (Source: trust me bro). Right as we were about to finish, The Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons started throwing hands with us. We were able to leave unscathed and quickly went to sleep.

Day 4-19 

彼らはカレンを連れ去った（6日目）。しかし、私たちはビジネスを続けた。ケストレルは支払わなければならない。 

Day 20 

I woke up, only to be tied to a chair by some cops named Peter Griffin, Blue Toad #32846, and a lizard that I can’t pronounce his name correctly. The room seemed like a place for interrogation. They started asking me in a tongue like the tongue the Council speaks. Based on what I can decipher, they said “Send Them! Stairway to Hell.” Sounds oddly specific. But then something came to my mind “If I’m already *theoretically/probably* below the basement of the school, then how are they going to send me to the Stairway to Hell?” I had to think fast because Peter Griffin was going to pick me up (and I guess the chair I’m tied to) and throw me out of the room for “not answering a single question.” So, I thought of- 

Day 21 

Yes, Peter Griffin threw me out of the room, I think the chair was from Temu since I somehow didn’t break my bones from the throw (and the chair did). I found my way back to my cell and untied myself. Only to see my friends… gone… all my stuff… gone… my computer that keeps track of sales… gone… 

I found a sticky-note that said “जेल के पीछे आओ। – निक.” Obviously, I don’t understand Hindi so using some of the thousands and thousands of poker chips that I must buy another translator since Jonas had the original. I knew where I had to go but then suddenly, I heard sirens and a helicopter. My first thought was:

THEY’RE AFTER ME, AREN’T THEY? 

I found a vent which eventually leads me to the place I need to go. Only to see my friends in a similar predicament; Tied up to a chair and being confronted by officers. Soon a helicopter came in to take my friends away and flew away. I tried to make my way to untie them, but the numbers game was too much. First thing that came to mind: “This is super illegal.” and the cops sent me back to my cell. I went to bed, knowing what my new mission is, it’s not to escape is to SAVE THE BOYS AND GET US OUT OF THIS PLACE.

Day 22 

My entire group has been flown away due to our massive amount of contraband smuggling for business. All of my tech has been destroyed. I knew I had to find where the helicopter was taking them. So, I met up with Kenzo Miyamoto and P. Ully who somehow evaded the cops. We thought of making a vehicle that can catch up to them, but we realized that we will easily get caught + the Kestrel took our trucks. So, we thought of a much more chaotic but sensical idea; Hijack a Helicopter. 

There is one problem: none of us knew how to fly. Our solution, which is common sense, was that we decided to look for a pilot when we got lunch. Luckily, we found a pilot named John who is allegedly Mr. Passavant’s long-lost brother (funny enough, his middle name is Mason, and he kept his “biological” last name), and with some poker chips as payment, JMP joined the crew. 

We hopped on the copter and followed a nearby police copter which seemed to be heading towards an island. All of our first thoughts were “How do we have an island under the school basement?” We hopped off the copter and hid it so no one could see. I was paired with Kenzo by JMP so we can divide and conquer finding food, shelter, and the boys. 

We were assigned to find food so we left to find some trees, which can have fruit. We climbed tree after tree, but found nothing. Sometime later, Kenzo and I found a tree, one of the largest trees I have ever seen. We were getting desperate so we climbed, climbed, and climbed, and– THUD! 

Sorry, readers! We have no clue what happened to Kenzo Miyamoto (known to many as James Tomaszewski), Ulysses Parent, Trevis Vohoang, and John Mason Passavant. ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯ 

“I do actually.” as I, the one that writes the ending thingy, hears a mysterious voice. 

“Who are you, mysterious writer?” As I asked with the zeal in my heart. 

Then he took my journal with no hesitation. 

“HEY! STOP! THIS HAS ALL THE REMAINING PAGES TO THIS ARTICLE! THEY ARE WATCHING!” I yelled out to him. 

“Exactly why I’m taking it. Who cares if they know? The whole school shall know too.” The mysterious voice replied. 

Then he just left. 

Day ??? 

So, you really want to know what happened after Day 22 huh? Typical of you. But like I mentioned, it is better if you know it. Luckily, I knocked down the guards, so we are safe. Now I shall show you the remaining pages that I can find (at least the last traces of it). Ha! いつかはこいつの一人が裏切り者だって分かってたよ.

Day 24 

They kept trying to demand answers from us in that extremely annoying tongue. They sound like they are speaking Italian, French, and Spanish at the same time in a Hindi accent. I am still stuck in the chair and only had bread for lunch. I am slowly crashing out, as if I haven’t already. I noticed that it isn’t a Manning Knot, and we don’t have enough money to bribe them. They started to slam the desks and tried to get answers from us. Out of nowhere, Peter Griffin smacked me square in the face. I asked him; “Dude, we don’t know your language.” He responded to me in that same language. Then that same guy in the– shows up along with another person, and a third person. Then more and more people in black hoods kept showing up. I’m starting to realize something: There are armbands in various different colors, the Council’s white, the generals (Ex: Logan Paul) are red, and the generic ones don’t have any.  It’s clear that they blocked the exits. It was at this moment I knew: I’m truly cooked.

Day 27  

I ran to find the campfire ASAP, but there were red dinosaur-like monkeys coming right after me. They are carnivorous so I definitely have to run. I keep running as fast as I can. However, they were too fast and I got cornered. Then the officers came in, ready to send me back to the prison. It was at this moment I thought I was cooked, then I found something in my pocket as Council member Vivek Ramaswamy continues to yell at me. That is… 

Until I pulled a flashlight and shot it up. 

TOM MAY HAVE CAUGHT JERRY, BUT IN REALITY, IT WAS JERRY WHO CAUGHT HIM. 

Day 28 

The flashlight was like the Batman flashlight; except it’s drawn by a 5-year-old (thanks Temu). And just like that, California Gurls started playing, and a helicopter came out. This is the Anti-Kestrel Black Ops. It consists of: Wyatt Bajorski, Jerry Rowe, Jason Ng, Spider-Man 2099, Stacy’s mom, Terence the Angry Bird, Sanic, Vegeta, John Cena (I don’t know if he showed up), and the cube from Geometry Dash. They easily defeated the red dino monkey things. Vivek ran away. 

We all went to find the campfire Ully and JMP set up. We knew that dividing and conquering wasn’t a good idea, since they knew the environment, we didn’t… 

Which is what I would say if I didn’t form the team. With the power of Jason’s brain, we determined that this was a jungle, a very heavy jungle, so we couldn’t see the council, but they couldn’t see us. With Sanic and Vegeta’s speed, we were able to make it to the campfire with ease. 

We began discussing plans of *somehow* turning the tables, freeing the boys and ultimately SHUTDOWN the Kestrel once and for all. Our plan is to hide from the Kestrel, find any member in black hoods, take them, interrogate them, find the exact coordinates, infiltrate, and win. It was a masterpiece (thanks Jason and Miguel). One problem: The red dino monkey things. They will still go after us. But that’s why I recruited Vegeta for ego, Sanic for speed, and Terence for ballistic force. SIMPLE PROBLEMS HAVE SIMPLE SOLUTIONS. It is still foolproof. So, we got rid of our campfire, and as the sun rose, we began to make our move. 

Day ??? (2) 

Dagnabbit! Reinforcements arrived! I got to run. As I ran from the Kestrel Cops, I found a very interesting place in the basement. A separate place where the “turtle races” are held. For those that don’t know: Around March 2022, a good chunk of Xavier staff got arrested for hosting the races. The staff arrested were; Mr. St. George (who escaped at the time), Mr. Donahue, Mr. Eustis, Mr. Cerreta (who currently works on a Church), and Dr. D (status unknown). Ms. Dewry attempted to revive the races during the time Trevis and the boys went missing, only to get arrested and never seen again (the one you see now is a figment of your imagination).

Readers, I have found and told you almost everything about the school and the Kestrel. Take this information and run. They’re after you now. Pro Tip: None.

Day 29 

We have finally found the base of the Kestrel in the jungle. It was very obvious being a hut. Vegeta broke the door in and barged in. The interior is WAYYYY bigger than the exterior. We figured that the boys would be in the basement (According to Wyatt’s book that he bought called “Mr. Flowers’ Guide to be an epic wee lad barely knee height of a grasshopper”). However, there are multiple entrances to multiple basements. So, the 14 of us scattered to the multiple entrances. Me, JMP, Sanic, and Kenzo went to the West entrance to Basement Delta. We went down there and discovered a bunch of Velociraptors, so we ran for it. Wyatt gave me another copy of the Mr. Flowers book, but I couldn’t read it as fast as the velociraptors. 

I started to notice that the Velociraptors might be genetically modified, being a lot faster than Sanic (who’s top speed is *allegedly* 9 times the speed of light). Then I thought “wait, we should just get out.” But then I realized that The Kestrel installed a barrier that is so powerful that not even Sanic can pass by, so it feels like we are in normal speed. We luckily managed to climb a tree. But the velociraptors are able to climb trees (C’mon readers they can open doors, who knows what they can do). Luckily, I opened the book just in time and learned that their weakness is (out of all things) backflipping. The problem is I don’t, but Kenzo can, so he just spammed the backflip until the velociraptors ran away. 

We tried to find another route to meet up with the others, then I found something that looks familiar. It’s like I’m writing a reference to the first article that some of you should’ve read first… 

A hole in the basement. It makes no sense just like the entire saga, but then sleeping gas appeared and we all fell asleep. 

Day 30 

Is this all a dream? Are all the events just figments of my imagination? How are we supposed to summarize this in an Instagram post? Why am I even breaking the fourth wall in the first place? Where am I to begin with? 

Day ??? (3) 

This is all the guy that does the ending thingy has. As of right now, I am currently searching for the rest of the pages in the school’s basement. There are more guards who look like lizardmen after me. Maybe if– 

Wait! Hold on reader, I found something interesting. Is that…? 

And so Sivert Gnaohov (no clue who is this guy), goes inside the hole in the basement to further expose the Kestrel and save Trevis Vohoang, JP Costello, Nick Faraci, Tranhy Vohoang, Jonas Healey, Jacob Morris, Camillo Coutin-Vasquez, Saif Khan, John Mason Passavant, Kenzo Miyamoto, Ulysses Parent, Wyatt Bajorski, Jerry Rowe, Jason Ng (my goat), Terence, The cube from Geometry dash, Sanic, Vegeta, Stacy’s Mom, and John Cena (maybe). From what I, the guy who does the ending thingy has seen, life in school hasn’t been good, since the first article came out and Aiden Pesce’s resurfaced, Xavier went BANKRUPT. This time, the FBI came inside to investigate. However, all of them got scared once they found the hole and fled. Readers, I shall ask you this; Do you believe that Sivert will make it in time, or will the Kestrel be on top, making Aiden Pesce’s and Trevis’ efforts useless, and making their goal possible agin: WORLD DOMINATION. Find out all this and more, next time on Trevis Vohoang’s Exposing the Kestrel Saga.