THE KESTREL

That’s No Moon, That’s a Space Station

By Ethan Gernhardt • April 6, 2023

Through thorough experimentation and years of dedicated research, scientists were able to prove that the moon is not made from cheese. This common belief was originally theorized by 16th century writer,...

How To Be A Good Citizen In The Year 1984

By Nicholas Feola • March 16, 2023

In these trying times, it seems to be harder and harder every day to follow what Big Brother wants us to become and achieve. Straight from the Ministry of Truth, this article is designed to help...

A Few Thoughts on JUG

By Patrick Manning, Doctor of Studies in Not-Being-a-Doctor • November 1, 2022

Xavier’s award-winning detention system has far more potential than what it is now.

The Illegal Turtle Races Here at Xavier High School

By Aidan Pesce, Assistant Editor • March 1, 2022

It has recently come to light that Xavier High School in Middletown, CT, is under investigation for underhanded activities and dealings. Several members of the faculty have been taken in for questioning,...

The CDC on the Senior Slide

By Aidan Pesce, Assistant Editor • January 19, 2022

The Senior Slide, formally known as Senioritis Slideus, is a mental disease that affects seniors all around the world. Originating in the 1970s, the Slide was first discovered in a New York high school....

The Stairway to Hell

By Aidan Pesce, Assistant Editor • October 14, 2021

Everyone knows about the staircase that connects the SJs to the library. It is a path well-traveled by Xavier students, faculty, and visitors. Every day, hundreds of people traverse the stairwell, making...

Is Br. John’s Latin Class Actually a Strategy to Restore the Roman Republic?

By Samuel Matt, Assistant Reporter • April 26, 2021

A theory has arisen among the likes of me and my fellow Latin II students. That is: Brother John's Latin class is not for the purpose of teaching unassuming students the art of Latin (the easiest language,...

Why Virtual School Is Undeniably Better Than in-person School

By Liam Sheeley, Assistant Reporter • March 31, 2021

I am here to end the debate once and for all, and declare that virtual school is simply better than in-person school

How the Kestrel Fits into Mr. St. George’s Plan for Total World Domination

By Aidan Pesce, Assistant Reporter • February 22, 2021

You may have never suspected it, but the truth has always been there, hiding deep below the surface. They say some secrets are best left uncovered, but I disagree, especially when it concerns our school....

Xavier Parkas: What to do in Trying Times of Temperature Torpor

By Samuel Matt, Assistant Reporter • February 3, 2021

The days of frigidity are in full force, and this means many things: Christmas, New Year’s, presents, (all of which already happened) and Valentine’s Day. However, there is one slight detail pertaining...

The Real Reason Xavier High School Closed

By Aidan Pesce, Assistant Reporter • December 10, 2020

Despite what everyone thinks, the global pandemic was not the real reason the school shut down. For all of you returning Xavier students, there was a certain incident last year that occurred during the...

Presidential Wipeout Adventure Course

By Wyatt McElroy, Assistant Reporter • October 26, 2020

Immediately following the second Presidential debate, Donald Trump took to Twitter to challenge Democratic candidate Joe Biden to a ‘Wipeout Adventure Course’ challenge to prove he is the more physically...